I Grew up ... Part 1

Its been 3 years since the last time I was 20 years old, its been very fast very interesting 3 years. For starter 3 years ago I met my best friend ''M'' before he decides to continue his studies and eduction in aussie town, which became his nickname after ''Stupid Aussie Town". I've learned a lot in 3 years, I grew up. I can look back at the old me and look right back at me now and all I can see is improvements. I've changed in all ways possible, I can say that I truely found my self now, I'm not what my friends thinks I should be, neither what my family wants me to be. The first time me and ''M'' met it was a very cold January, and I was dressed up with black dress and red jacket. We met at starbucks free zone at 5 pm. Day 1 was like day 300, we talked like we know each other for a long time. Now after 3 years we met again another ice cold January, same timing same cafe but another area, this time its starbucks hilton resorte. He noticed the change about me, he knew I'm independent now, he was glad ad amazed about the whole transformation. I told him about all I've done and what I went through.


To be continued ....

Resolutions

I decided a whole new plan for my extreme make over for my look, and my personality, not that my personality don't rock but some stuff has to be changed as I'm gonna be 23 this year.

1* I Always wanted to won 1 of those flat stomaches and fitted body with some muscles, not that I'm chubby but I've got some curves and love handles I would love to shape them. As soon as I acomplish that I'm gonna have to accessory it, so I will get a belly peircing maybe soon, also my tongue maybe with extra piercing for my ears. Plus I wanna have couple of tattoos.

2* My style, I have a sporty look as I adore the simplisty of it and the cuteness that comes out of it, so I'm jus gonna upgrade it a lil bit, and have other styles as I don't like to stick to 1 style all the time.

So in order to achieve these goals, I've been dieting and excersizing for a month now hopefuly I will get what I want in the end.

Wish me luck Ya'll. xoxo

Someone Like You

Now I'm setting on the edge of our bed, feeling cold, scared, and tears are falling to top it all. He's on his side of the bed, smoking and watching the T.V., I hug myself and my arm hurts, I look and its bruised, red and purple, I've seen it before, yes I've been there before, and oh how much the pain feels the same. I close my eyes and I get slamed left and right, up and down by memories of a heartless bastered, a beast, someone rediclously weak to admit it all, I opened my eyes now and I cry more, surprisely I got his attention. He looks at me, I look right back at him, and I don't see a soul inside when I look at his eyes, those eyes are not the same, its reflecting evil somehow, and I feel like its the first time I know what he's thinking of, I feel like I understand now.

At this point I realize how powerless I am, At this time all I want is to get out and never return again, never come back, I'll never be the same again. He asked about my unstopping tears, I asked about his roughness, I gave my tears a confused reason, and he's reasons were more painful than the scare. There was no point of me staying, So he kicked me out and I refused to go out this weak, I Don't Wanna Leave now, I don't wanna be forced anymore. He just Don't want Me Anymore, why is it Too Hard For me To Understand, he kept yelling at me then the cold silence rushed in and stopped everything. Then I asked to leave and he walked me out, disgusted with me, like I'm the one who went wrong with it, I left.

Keep On Falling

A fall is an end to what ever it is going on in our lives, and what comes after that is a new chapter, a new move toward new beginging. The end is never the finish line, the cause of that is if were motivited or not we will get pushed to another level by the circle of life. What not kills you may and may not get you stronger, in fact it has a big shot in breaking you down and destroying your courage much faster, but it also prove that you guranteed yourself a new chance, and new start in your life, as a signal to change, or build a new steps to follow in order to have a new picture of the future. It said in life you only got one chance to prove who you are, and you have the choice to be as good as an angel, or be the worst devil ever existed. But that just stupid, and it would be very sad to believe it and live it as a rule in life, cause to live is taking the risk of falling apart, and to fall apart you have to realize that its a wake up call to rewind. So take the fall but don't lose the grap of it all.

The Fest

Give me a cup, let me drink some of your sorrow, and I'll feed you pieces of my misery, and yes we will have a fest. We'll wear black and grey dresses, you can also wear white if you gave up for the stray. Invite all the damaged souls, shattered minds and broken hearts, let them all embrace their lost wishes. Now take my hand and dance with me on the rhythm of screaming eyes dropping tears like its mid-winter, wet, cold, can and would knock you down. If I slip, let me enjoy the fear and the actual fall, let me take a bite and taste the bitterness it will make me feel like it should, power less although I had the strength to face it. Its easy to go far down to the darkness, but its hard to raise up and face the sun although its so clear, we just keep moving away and hiding from it. At last please collect yourselves from the lost and found area and shut the lights down before you leave the fest.

Pure Nudity

I went out nude and I don't wanna be seen, what a hypocrite, but that who we all are. I pretend to be insane, to be forgiven and excused, because the only reasons I would choose nudity is either I'm a cheap whore and going public, or I've lost my mind, and dignity is way important than brain, I just need to stop judgement and gossip. How could I hide when I chose to be completely clothe-less, who would avoid to stare? I would not stop staring at me. If I wanted the cover why did I go out without anything on? If I did not want people to talk why did I give them something to talk about? People talk wither your good or bad, and for some reason they never mention any good about you as if your pure evil and their angels when the truth is they only pointing fingers. But talk is air, pictures are prove, and maybe its only an innocent mistake and your only a human, but people won't ever look at it that way, and its funny how when your nude your exposed, while when you wear something you seem to be hidden. So I guess I better put something on so I can disappear from the public eye and be lost in the crowed.

Part Seventeen;; I Got A Feeling, This Could Be Serious!

''shfeech? tethayagtay meni?'' he said

''la2, not exactly, I seriously don't know what I'm feeling or doing right now, it was not wrong? right?'' I said as I was walking to set next to him on the sofa

''wrong? no, why would it be wrong?'' he asked

''I dunno, I feel weird, I don't feel like me, I mean it felt good, but lots of weirdness'' I said

and he kissed me again, I felt I need more seriously it was like a drug to me and I got addicted right from the start, is it too early for a rehab?

''oki, we should stop, 3la a8al ne7trem mom is here, plus why are we kissing? omg, I'm kissing my best friend, can I be more naive?'' I said

PING!!! PING!!!

I woke up to my bbm my friend Rawoon is pinging me,

''yal 5ayssa, wench entaii enshalla we get a time of your day y3ni salmay bel '3ala6'' she said

oh so it was just a dream what a waste, I looked for 6alool and he was peacefully sleeping in a chair and I was laying on the sofa, I looked at mom and she was sleeping too, I checked to see what time is it, it was 4;00am

''hey you, I was apparently sleeping but I swear it seemed so very real and pretty and you totally ruined it ='( aaahh I hate you right now,but still miss you as hell wifey'' I said

''weii entaw ay 7azza 3ndkom?'' she asked

''its 4;00am, and I can't remember when did I fall asleep'' I said

''oh oki, so you awake wla btreden tnamen? I prefer you stay sober, I have some news'' she said

''do I really have a choice? tell me =D'' I said

''my elder is getting engaged to her long time bf and in a month or so shes gonna tamlech'' she said

''wow! thats fantastic baby I'm so happy for her I feel like dancing \=D/'' I said

''but its bitter sweet you know, I feel like crying'' she said

''oh, 7bebty its oki you should be happy you gonna have new kids to mess their lives a bit instead of yours, as for a change I mean'' I said

''loooooool, thnxx I guess, so whats happening with you in the US'' she said

I totally ignored that and went back to sleeping, I love dreaming they make me do crazy stuff,

@ 6;30 Sunday morning I heard a noise so I got up, and saw 6alool getting ready to leave,

''you leaving now? where?'' I said

''college, b3d wen, I have to go to my place then college I'm totally gonna be late'' he said

''oki la t3a9eb 3lay, you gonna come back here?'' I said

''dunno, not sure, but remember you have to come to my place get my homeworks done and reports, plus help me study for my tests, I have an exam in couple of hours and I am relaying on my imagination to fix that'' he said

''hehe, good luck call me once you finish'' I said

''sure, yalla tamren 3la shay?'' he said

''la salmtek w mwafag enshalla'' I said ''one more question though'' I continued

''amray'' he said

''did we umm, ..'' I'm mumbling

''could you hurry, did we wat?'' he said

''did we watch T.V. and kiss in the middle of the night?'' I said doing it straight as usual

''sweety, your blood sugar is too high, try to catch some sleep, now lemme go, I'll talk to you later'' he said

''so it was a dream?'' I said

''must've been unless, you want some of my sugar, which I can't give you right now I have to go babe, c ya later'' he said, after looking at his watch and left, I fell to my embarrassment hiding my face under the blanket

I signed in MSN yousef was online but away as usual, I slept again.
And I woke again as people keep irritating me, but these time there was nurses and a doctor checking mom,

''oh doctor, so what happened about moms brain surgery? is it happening anytime soon?'' I said

''yea we should before she get more damage in her brain, it would be done this after noon, you should sign some papers'' he said

''oki, I'm gonna run home to get me some stuff and change then get back here to stay with her'' I said

''sure, you do what you need to do, we'll be here'' the doctor said

I got up went to the bathroom washed my face and tried waking up, good thing I'm not driving or else there gonna be a big mess out there, I came out of the bathroom put on my cardigan kissed my mom forehead, left the hospital and stopped a cab, got in then went back home

I got in the bathroom and had an awesome shower, I dried up and with a rob on I put in my iPod and played the song Nothing in This World by Paris Hilton, I started applying some foundation and a mascara with blusher a little lips stick made me glow,
I then got a pullover from my closet with a tight jeans and snickers got ready to leave,

It was 11;30
Sunday Morning

I then left to the Hospital with the iPod in my ears I text uncle, my brother and 6alool I talked to him in bbm, I told them about the surgery, I was listening to Just A Dream by Nelly, I got to the hospital, and went to my moms room, she was awake

''mama, tara elyom sawon lech el3amaleya enshalla, ana 5ayfa'' I said

''7bebty t3alay 7tta ana 5ayfa, bs enshalla mako ella el5aiir, geltaii 7g 5alech w 5wanech?'' she said

''ee dazet lehom msg'' I said

''g3daii m3ay nsolef, metta belthab6 gal el3amaleya ra7 tkon'' she said

''he said afternoon, atwa8a3 3la el2 or 3'' I said

''y3ni bagey sa3ten ta8reban'' she said, while looking at the room clock, and holding me while I layed next to her in her bed, I put my head on her chest while she was playing with my hair, I felt like sleeping but the fact mom is going to a surgery could not let me sleep, and we kept talking for a while

shortly the nurse came to take mom away,

''its time to get you ready for surgery'' she said

''wait she is not gonna eat before?'' I asked

''no its not good, it can be dangerous too'' she said

in this time 6alool came in,

''hey, el7emdlelah we9alt gabel el3amalya'' he said

''ee ashwa, al7en bya5thonha 7g el3maleya'' I said and got up from mom bed

''halla 5alty, la t5afen, enshalla mako ella el3afya w tgomen bel salama'' he said

''enshalla, allah kareem, bs gool 7g Jood la t7atey'' she said

Moms was getting pushed to OR room 6alool and I helped the nurse to do so my tears just started rolling down and I felt 6alool looking at me, when we approached the OR the doctors and other nurses took the bed and shut the door to keep us out, I just turned and huggged 6alool really hard and started crying

''its oki, 9adgeny she'll be fine, ehya mu 5ayfa ktherech bs 5la9'' he said

''ma agder wallah 7addy 5ayfa, I'm shaking'' I said

''oki t3alay lets set on the chairs here'' he said, while I was still hugging him

''oki'' I said, and shed my tear while still holding him, and akeed elbajey were in his pullover, then we sat while I was still holding his hand with both of my hands really hard

''oki sba7teny dmoo3 w nawya takseren eddy, adri ena omich bel OR bs mu lazzim I go there too'' he said, and giggled

''sorry,'' I said and let go of him

''at'3ashmar yuba kefch kesreha, fedwa'' he said, and he gave me his hand back

''teslam, la2 ma ra7 akserha bs I need 6alool I can't do this alone its hard wallah'' I said and started crying again so he took my head and placed it in his chest, could I stop crying now? don't count on it

the surgery is most likely to take 6 - 10 hours maximum, the first hour went by, I slept laying my head on 6alool lab